Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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