I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
