somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
