I got chris browned last night
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
