Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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