Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
