i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
