Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You can't motorboat a personality
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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