Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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