I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
