My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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