I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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