i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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