i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
