I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
