Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
