they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
