broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize