i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I could fuck to npr.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
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