New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
