somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
