I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
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