Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
