Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
