You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
