Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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