woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
