She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
worst night to have a conscience
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
