She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
