I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
