I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize