God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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