i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
