Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
