oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
