U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
