My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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