put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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