I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
