Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Two words: nipple clamps
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