i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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