I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
