I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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