Ambien. No doubt about it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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