My friends, they love my intelligence
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
