Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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