Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
