and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
