it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Randomize
