literally had 100 drinks last night.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
