i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
