can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
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