I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Never underestimate the power of titties
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
