hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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