it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
