I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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