I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
How does it feel to date your dad?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
