Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
