I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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