My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
