there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
