yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
