The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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