You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
