i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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