hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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