Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
