i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
