So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Randomize
